He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
