Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This can only be settled by a dance off.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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