i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
