Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
