I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can text with my tongue
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
