What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
