I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
