dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
