i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
