Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize