Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
