Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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