Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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