I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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