looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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