I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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