Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Damn victory sex feels great
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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