just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
