I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
