my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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