i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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