i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
