Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
