I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
