Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
