If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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