dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
