After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
