He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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