this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize