Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sarcasm needs its own font
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
