You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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