we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
well you can't waste a boner
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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