No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
