i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize