Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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