i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
