Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
