Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
