Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
