...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
