You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize