I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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