he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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