Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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