There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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