just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
