I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
