How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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