1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
