I wanna bring you to show and tell
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
