Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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