Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
