A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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