Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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