I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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