Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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