I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
