FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
